老实人
伏尔泰讽刺小说 老实人
Chapter 1 How Candide was Brought Up in Magnificent Castle and How He was Driven Out of It
In the country of Westphalia, in the castle of the most noble Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, lived a youth whom Nature had endowed with the most sweet disposition. His face was the true index of his mind. He had a solid judgment joined to the most unaffected simplicity; and hence, I presume, he had his name of Candide. The old servants of the house suspected him to have been the son of the Baron’s sister, by a very good sort of a gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young lady refused to marry, because he could produce no more than seventy-one quarterings in his arms; the rest of the genealogical tree belonging to the family having been lost through the injuries of time.
The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia, for his castle had not only a gate, but even windows, and his great hall was hung with tapestry. He used to hunt with his mastiffs and spaniels instead of greyhounds; his groom served him for huntsman; and the parson of the parish officiated as his grand almoner. He was called “My Lord” by all his people, who laughed at all his jokes.
My lady Baroness, who weighed three hundred and fifty pounds, consequently was a person of no small consideration; and then she did the honors of the house with a dignity that commands universal respect. Her daughter was about seventeen years of age, fresh-colored, comely, plump, and desirable. The Baron’s son, her brother, seemed to be a youth in every respect worthy of the farther he sprung from. Pangloss, the tutor, was the oracle of the family, and little Candide listened to his instructions with all the simplicity natural to his age and disposition.
Master Pangloss taught metaphysico-theologico-cosmolooneyology. He could prove to admiration that there is no effect without a course; and, that in this best of all possible words, the Baron’s castle was the most magnificent of all castles, and My Lady the best of all possible baronesses.
“It is demonstrable,” said he, “that things cannot be otherwise than as they are; for as all things have been created for some end, they must necessarily be created for the best end. Observe, for instance, the nose is formed for spectacles, therefore we wear spectacles. The legs are visibly designed for trousers, accordingly we wear trousers. It is the nature of stones made to be hewn and made into castles, therefore My Lord has a magnificent castle, for the greatest baron in the province ought to be the best lodged. Pigs were intended to be eaten, therefore we eat pork all the year round; and they, who assert that everything is right, do not express themselves correctly; they should say that everything is best.”
Candide listened attentively and believed implicitly, for he thought Miss Cunégonde excessively handsome, though he never had the courage to tell her so. He concluded that next to the happiness of being Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, the next was that of being Miss Cunégonde, the next that of seeing her everyday, and the last that of hearing the doctrine of Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the whole province, and consequently of the whole world.
One day when Cunégonde went to take a walk in a little neighboring wood which was called a park, she saw, through the bushes, the sage Doctor Pangloss giving a lecture in experimental philosophy to her mother’s chambermaid, a pretty brunette, and very obedient. As Cunégonde had a great disposition for the sciences, she observed with the utmost attention the experiments which were repeated before her eyes; she perfectly well understood the doctor’s sufficient reason and the force of causes and effects. She retired greatly flurried, quite pensive and filled with the desire of knowledge, imagining that she might be a sufficient reason for young Candide, and he for her.
On her way back she happened to meet the young man; she blushed, he blushed also; she wished him a good morning in a faltering tone, he returned the salute, without knowing what he said. The next day, as they were rising from dinner, Cunégonde and Candide slipped behind the screen. The miss dropped her handkerchief, the young man picked it up. She innocently took hold of his hand, and he as innocently kissed her with a warmth, a sensibility, a grace-all very particular; their lips met; their eyes sparkled; their knees trembled; their hands strayed. The Baron chanced to come by; he beheld the cause and effect, and, without hesitation, saluted Candide with some notable kicks on his backside and drove him out of doors. The lovely Cunégonde fainted away, and, as soon as she came to herself, the Baroness boxed her ears. Thus a general consternation was spread over this most magnificent and most agreeable of all possible castles.
第一章 老实人在一座华丽的城堡里被抚养成人，后来被驱逐出去
在威斯特伐利亚镇，在桑得登特龙克男爵华丽城堡里住着一位年轻人。他生就一副好脾气，喜怒哀乐全写在脸上，眼光特别敏锐，为人又真挚厚道。或许正是因为这个原因，他的名字就叫老实人。城堡里的老佣人都怀疑老实人是男爵妹妹和邻居一位品行颇好的乡绅所生的儿子。但是男爵的妹妹却拒绝嫁给乡绅，因为乡绅的家谱上只有七十一颗纹章，其余的都已丢失在时间的长河里。
男爵是威斯特伐利亚镇最有权势的地主之一。他的城堡不仅有大门还有整齐的窗户，大厅里还悬挂着壁毯。他打猎时往往不带灰狗，而是带上大训犬和西班牙猎狗，他的马车夫也是猎手。教区里的牧师是他的大司祭。所有人都尊敬地称他“大人”。他们经常被他逗得开怀大笑。
男爵夫人体重三百五十磅，也是位举足轻重的人物，她以自己的高贵位城堡赢得了荣誉，受到大家尊敬。她的女儿大约十七岁，长得标致丰满，气色红润，人见人爱。男爵的儿子是个小伙子，跟他父亲好像是一个模子里刻出来似的。庞格罗斯是家庭教师，也是这个家里的神使，年轻的老实人带着他那年纪特有的单纯和性情聆听着他的教导。
庞格罗斯先生教授玄学、神学、宇宙学。他能令人信服地证明没有因就没有果，证明在所有可能存在的最完美世界中，桑得登特龙克男爵的城堡是所有城堡中最好的。他的夫人则是所有男爵夫人中最好的。
“我们可以证明，”庞格罗斯会说，事物都是以本来的面目存在着；因为既然任何事物之存在都有其目的，那么它们就必然会是为其最完美的目的而存在的。比如，我们可以观察一下，鼻子长成这样就是为了能戴眼睛，所以我们戴眼镜。大腿很显然是为裤子而设计的，所以我们穿裤子。石头的本性就是为了被劈开并用来建城堡，所以男爵大人拥有一座这么华丽的城堡——本辖区内最伟大的男爵理应居住在最好的城堡里。猪就是为了被人吃，所以我们一年到头都吃猪肉。那些声称凡事都对的人并没有准确表达自己，他们应该凡事都是最好的。”
老实人总是聚精会神地听着，并发自内心地相信这些道理。在他看来，古内宫小姐非常漂亮，虽然他一直没勇气去告诉她这一点。他的结论是，作为桑得登特龙克城堡的男爵是最幸福的；然后是作古内宫小姐；再就是聆听庞格罗斯先生的教导，因为庞格罗斯先生是本辖区内最伟大的哲学家，所以他也是全世界最伟大的哲学家。
一天，古内宫小姐到被称为公园的邻近的小树林里散步。透过灌木丛，她看到睿智的庞格罗斯博士正在给她母亲那位漂亮、顺从、黑肤色的女佣讲授实验哲学。由于古内宫小姐天生酷爱科学，所以她集中注意力观察着在她眼前不断重复的实验；她完全理解博士所说的充分推理和因果关系。她充满困惑地离去，一路沉思，内心充满了对知识的渴求，想象着自己是为年轻的老实人活着，而他则是为她而存在着。
在她回家的路上，她碰巧遇到了老实人，脸刷地变红了，他也一样。她结结巴巴地向老实人问早安，老实人也向她问候，却不知道自己说了些什么。第二天吃完晚餐后，两人溜到了屏风的后面。小姐的手绢掉到地上去了，老实人把它捡了起来。她纯真地握住了老实人的手，他也纯真地吻着她的手，那感觉特别温暖，理智，优雅——一切都那么特别。他们的嘴唇碰在一起，眼里闪着火光，双膝颤抖着，双手不知道往哪里放。正在这时，男爵大人碰巧从那扇屏风路过，他看到了这一因与果的相互作用，毫不犹豫地就往老实人的屁股上踢了几脚，并立刻把老实人赶出了城堡。看到这情景，可爱的古内宫小姐昏死了过去，她一醒来男爵夫人就给了她一巴掌。就这样，一种惊慌失措的气氛在这座最美丽也是最惬意的城堡中蔓延开来。
Chapter 2 What Befell Candide among the Bulgarians
Candide, thus driven out of this terrestrial paradise, rambled a long time without knowing where he went; sometimes he raised his eyes, all bedewed with tears, towards heaven, and sometimes he cast a melancholy look towards the magnificent castle, where dwelt the fairest of young baronesses. He laid himself down to sleep in a furrow, heartbroken, and supperless. The snow fell in great flakes, and, in the morning he awoke, he was almost frozen to death; however, he made shift to crawl to the next town, which was called Wald-berghoff-trarbkdikdorff, without a penny in his pocket, and half dead with hunger and fatigue. He took up his stand at the door of an inn. He had not been long there before two men dressed in blue fixed their eyes steadfastly upon him.
“Look,” said one of them to the other, “there’s a well-made young man of the right size.” Upon which they came up to Candide and with the greatest civility and politeness invited him to dine with them.
“Gentleman,” replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty, you do me much honor, but upon my word I have no money.”
“Money, sir!” said one of the blues to him, “young persons of your appearance and merit never pay anything; why, are not you five feet five inches high?”
“Yes, gentleman, that is indeed my size,” replied he, with a low bow.
“Come then, sir, sit down along with us; we will not only pay your reckoning, but will never suffer such a clever young fellow as you to want money. Men were born to assist one another.”
“You are perfectly right, gentleman,” said Candide, “this is precisely the doctrine of Master Pangloss; and I am convinced that everything is for the best.”
His generous companions next entreated him to accept of two crowns, which he readily complied with, at the same time offering them his note for the payment, which they refused, and sat down to table.”
“Have you not a great affection for—”
“Oh yes! I have a great affection for the lovely Cunégonde.”
“Maybe so,” replied one of the blues, “but that is not the question! We were going to ask you whether you have a great affection for the King of the Bulgarians.”
“For the King of the Bulgarians?” said Candide, “Oh, Lord! not at all, why I never saw him in my life.”
“Is it possible? Oh, he is a most charming king! Come, we must drink his death.”
“With all my heart, gentleman,” said Candide, and off he tossed his glass.
“Bravo!” cried the blues; “you are now the support, the defender, the hero of the Bulgarians; your fortune is made; you are in high road to glory.”
So saying, they handcuffed him, and carried him away to the regiment. There he was made to wheel about to the right, to the left, to draw his rammer, to return his rammer, to present, to fire, to march, and they gave him thirty blows with a cane; the next day he performed his exercise a little better, and they gave him but twenty; the day following he came off with ten, and was looked upon as a young fellow of surprising genius by all his comrades.
Candide was struck with amazement, and could not for the soul of him conceive how he came to be a hero. One fine spring, he took it into his head to take a walk, and he marched straight forward, conceiving it to be a privilege of the human species, as well as of the brute creation, to make use of their legs how and when they pleased. He had not gone above two leagues when he was overtaken by four other heroes, six feet high, who bound him neck and heels, and carried him to a dungeon. A court-martial sat upon him, and he was asked which he liked better, to run the gauntlet six and thirty times through the whole regiment, or to have his brains blown out with a dozen musket-balls? In vain did he remonstrate to them that the human will is free, and that he chose neither; they obliged him to make a choice, and he determined , in virtue of that divine gift will, to run the gauntlet six and thirty times.
He had gone through this discipline twice, and the regiment being composed of 2,000 men, they composed for him exactly 4,000 strokes, which laid bare all his muscles and nerves from the nape of his neck to his stem. As they were preparing to make him set out the third time our young hero, unable to support it any longer, begged as a favor that they would be so obliging as to shoot him through the head; his request being granted, a bandage was tied over his eyes, and he was made to kneel down.
At that very instant, His Bulgarian Majesty happening to pass by made a stop, and inquired into the delinquent’s crime, and being a prince of great penetration, he found, from what he heard of Candide, that he was a young metaphysician, entirely ignorant of the physical world; and therefore, out of his great clemency, he condescended to pardon him, for which his name will be celebrated in every newspaper in every age. A skillful surgeon made a cure of the flagellated Candide in three weeks by means of emollient unguents prescribed by Dioscorides. His sores were now scabbed over and he was able to march, when the King of the Bulgarians gave battle to the King of the Abares.
章节二 老实人在保加利亚的遭遇
老实人被赶出人间天堂之后， 四处游荡了很长一段时间，不知道何去何从。有时，他含着泪水仰望天空；有时，他忧郁地望着那座华丽的城堡，那里住着最漂亮的年轻男爵夫人。他伤心欲绝，没吃晚餐就睡在了一条路沟里。鹅毛般的雪花纷纷落下，等他第二天早晨醒来时，肢体几乎没有了知觉。但是，他还是挣扎着爬到了另一个镇。身无分文的他又饥又渴，疲倦不堪。他在一家小酒店的门口挣扎着站起来。没过多久，两个身穿蓝色衣服的人就死死地盯着他。
“瞧，”其中的一位对另一位说，“这小伙子体格健壮，身材也不错。”说完他们向老实人走去，并极有礼貌地邀请他一起共进早餐。
“先生，”老实人以特有的谦逊说道，“本人不胜荣幸，但身无分文。”
“钱，先生！”其中的一位对他说，“拥有您这般人品外貌的人是无需破费的。我想您有五英尺五英寸高吧？”
“是的，先生，这正是我的身高”，老实人说着，鞠了一个躬。
“那么，来吧，先生，坐下来与我们共进早餐吧。我们不但会为你支付餐费，也永远不会让一个像你这样聪明的年轻人缺钱花。人生来就是要互相帮助。”
“您说得对极了”，老实人说，“这正是庞格罗斯先生一直教导的。我现在相信‘凡事都是为了最美好的而存在’这个真理了。”
接着，他慷慨的同伴请求他收下两克朗。对此，老实人乐于照做，他想写欠条，但他们拒绝了，并坐下吃饭。
“您难道不喜欢——？”其中一位问道。
“哦，是，我非常喜欢可爱的古内宫小姐。”
“也许吧，”一位身穿蓝衣服的人回答道，“但我不是这意思！我们是想问你是否喜欢保加利亚国王？”
“保加利亚国王？哦，他是一个很有魅力的国王！来，让我们为他的健康干一杯。”
“好啊”，穿制服的两位叫道，“从现在起，您就是保加利亚人的支持者、卫士和英雄了。您走运了，您正踏上通往光荣的大道。”
说着，他们就给他戴上手铐，把他带到兵营。在那里，他们让他学习怎样向右转、向左转、扳枪栓、回枪栓、瞄准、射击、前进，并给了他三十大棍。第二天他训练有进步，只挨了二十棍。第三天，只挨了十棍，同伴们都把他视为年轻的天才。
老实人感到莫名其妙，怎么也弄不明白自己是如何当上英雄的。在一个春光明媚的早晨，他想出去走走，于是就一直昂首向前，因为他觉得随心所欲地使用自己的双脚是动物和人的特权。可是还没有走出二里的路，他就被另外四位六尺高的英雄扳倒在地上，绑了手脚送到地牢里去。在军事法庭上，法官问老实人，是愿意接受全军人马夹道鞭打他三十六回，还是愿意让自己的脑袋吃上十二颗子弹。老实人向他们提出抗议，他说人的意志是自由的，所以他选择两样都不要。但是毫无用处。他们逼他做出抉择，于是他决定行使所谓自由意志的神圣权利，选择接受夹道鞭打三十六回。
老实人挨了两圈打，算起来全军上下共两千将士，也就是说他已被鞭打了四千下。这四千下让他从头到脚的肌肉和神经都皮开肉绽。当全军人马准备第三回合鞭打的时候，外貌年轻的英雄再也撑不住了，他请求法官开恩，给他一枪好了。他的要求得到了许可，他们用绷带蒙住他的双眼，让他跪下，准备行刑。
正在这个时候，保加利亚王子刚好路过，他向法官询问了这个犯人的罪行。王子拥有敏锐的洞察力，从老实人的叙述中发现他不过是个没见过世面的玄学家，于是出于仁慈赦免了老实人。王子的这一宽厚行为一定会获得世世代代所有报纸的赞扬。之后，一位技术高明的医生用古代狄奥斯哥里得斯开出的药膏，仅三个星期就治好了老实人的伤。现在，他的伤口已经结痂，能够参加保加利亚国王发动的对阿巴利亚的战争了。
Chapter 3 How Candide Escaped from the Bulgarians and What Befell Him Afterward
Never was anything so gallant, so well accounted, so brilliant, and so finely disposed as the two armies. The trumpets, fifes, oboes, drums, and cannon made such harmony as never was heard in Hell itself. The entertainment began by a discharge of cannon, which, in the twinkling of an eye, laid flat about 6,000 men on each side. The musket bullets swept away, out of the best of all possible worlds, nine or ten thousand scoundrels that were cluttering its surface. The bayonet was next the sufficient reason of the deaths of several thousands. The sum of casualties might amount to thirty thousand souls. Candide trembled like a philosopher, and concealed himself as well as he could during this heroic butchery.
At length, while the two kings were causing Te Deums to be sung in their camps, Candide took a resolution to go and reason somewhere else upon causes and effects. After passing over heaps of dead or dying man, the first place he came to was a neighboring village, in the Abarian territories, which had been burned to the ground by the Bulgarians, agreeably to the laws of war. Here lay a number of old men covered with wounds, who beheld their wives dying with their throats cut and hugging their children to their breasts, all stained with blood. There several virgins, whose bodies had been ripped open after they had satisfied the natural necessities of the Bulgarian heroes, breathed their last; while others, half-burned in the flames, begged to be dispatched out of the world. The ground about them was covered with the brains, arms, and legs of the dead.
Candide made all the haste he could to another village, which belonged to the Bulgarians, and there he found the heroic Abares had enacted the same tragedy. Through continuing to walk over twitching limbs or through ruined buildings, at length he got beyond the theater of war, with a little food in his backpack and Cunégonde’s image in his heart. When he arrived in Holland his food ran out, but having heard that the inhabitants of that country were all rich and Christians, he was sure he would be treated by them as he had been at the Baron’s castle before he had been driven thence through the power of Cunégonde’s bright eyes.
He asked charity of several grave-looking people, who one and all answered him that if he continued to follow his trade they would have sent him to the house of correction, where he should be taught to get his bread. He next addressed himself to a person who had just come from haranguing a numerous assembly for a whole hour on the subject of charity. The orator, squinting at him under his broad-brimmed hat, asked him sternly, what brought him here and whether he was for the good old cause.
“Sir,” said Candide, in a submissive manner, “I conceive there can be no effect without a cause; everything is necessarily concatenated and arranged for the best. It was necessary that I should be banished from the presence of Cunégonde; that I should afterwards run the gauntlet; and it is necessary I should beg my bread, till I am able to get it. All this could not have been otherwise.”
“Tell me, friend,” said the orator, “do you hold the Pope to be Antichrist?”
“Truly, I never thought about it,” said Candide, “but whether he is or not, I am in want of something to eat.”
“You deserve neither food nor drink,” replied the orator, “pervert, monster! Hence! Avoid my sight, never come near me again while you live.”
The orator’s wife happened to put her had out of the window at that instant, and seeing a man who doubted whether the Pope was a Antichrist, she discharged upon his head a full passport of golden liquid. Good heavens, to what excess does religious zeal transport womankind!
A man who had never been christened, an honest Anabaptist named Jacques, was witness to the cruel and ignominious treatment showed to one of his brethren, to a rational featherless biped. Moved with pity he carried him to his house, caused him to be cleaned, gave him meat and drink, and made him a present of two florins, at the same time proposing to instruct him in his own trade of weaving Persian silks, which are fabricated in Holland.
Candide, faced with so much goodness, threw himself at his feet, crying, “Now I am convinced that my Master Pangloss told me truth when he said that everything was for the best in this world; for I am infinitely more affected with your extraordinary generosity than with the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black cloak and his wife.”
第三章 老实人逃离保加利亚及随后的遭遇
世界上再也找不出那支军队像这两支一样英勇无比，装备精良，部署有力。双方的喇叭、横笛、双簧管、军鼓和加农大炮合奏出的和谐之音，就是在地狱里也从来没听过。娱乐表演一开始，先是加农大炮一眨眼工夫就把双方的士兵各约六千人轰得四脚朝天。接着是滑膛枪开始出色地扫射，很快就有九千到一万的士兵横七竖八地倒在地面上了。接下来刺刀有充足的理由致数千人死亡。伤亡总数大约达三万。老实人像一位哲学家似的颤抖着，在这个英勇的屠宰场内尽可能把自己藏了起来。
最后，当两国军队高唱战歌时，老实人决定要到另一个地方去推理他的因果关系。越过一堆堆的尸体和奄奄一息的人们后，老实人到的的一个地方是阿巴利亚境内邻近的一个村子。这里已被保加利亚人烧成灰烬，确实符合战争的原则。这儿躺着许多受伤的老人，他们眼睁睁得看着他们的妻子被割破喉咙死去，怀里还紧紧抱着小孩子，浑身是血。一些少女们在满足了保加利亚人的自然需求后，被剖开身体，咽下了最后一口气。其他的人，则被烧得半死不活，哀求别人帮助迅速了结自己。地上到处都是脑浆和断臂残肢。
老实人飞奔着逃向保加利亚人管辖的另一个村子。和保加利亚英雄们表演的一样，阿巴利亚的英雄们在这里也表演了一出同样的悲剧。继续踩着还在抽搐的脚和毁坏的建筑物，老实人背包里装着一点干粮，带着对古内宫小姐的思念离开了这个战争的剧场。当他到达荷兰时，他的干粮吃完了。不过他听说这个国家的居民人人富有，人人是基督徒，所以他深信，在这里他会得到和在城堡里一样的待遇，当然指的是在他因为古内宫小姐火热的眼神而被驱逐出城堡之前的。
老实人向几位看上去神情严肃的人请求施舍，但得到的回答是：他如果继续这么做，就会被送到改造所。在那里，他将学到如何挣面包。接着他向刚刚就慈善的主题在一群人面前进行了一个小时高谈阔论的一位演说家求助。这位演说家的眼睛在宽边的帽子底下斜视着他，板着面孔问是什么原因让他来到这里，他是否为那纯正而古老的事业而来的。
“先生！”老实人谦恭地说，“我认为蔓没有因就没有果，任何事物都是因为最美好的原因而联系在一起的。我被驱赶出城堡离开古内宫小姐，挨夹道鞭打，向人乞讨面包，所有这一切都是必然的。”
“告诉我，朋友！”演说家说，“你认为教皇是反基督的吗？”
“老实说，我从来没想过这一点。”老实人说，“但不管教皇是不是反基督，我现在缺东西吃。”
“你不配吃喝，”演说家回答道，“堕落之徒！恶魔！滚开，从此以后，你这一辈子永远也不要靠近我。”
这时，演说家的妻子刚好从窗户里探出头，听到有人在怀疑教皇是否是反基督徒，于是她就把一盆金黄色的液体倒在了老实人的头上。天啊，女人对宗教的狂热竟然到了这份上了！
一位从未受过洗礼的诚实的再洗礼派教徒雅克目睹了自己的同胞，没长羽毛但有理性的两脚动物竟然受到如此残忍可耻的对待，出于同情，把老实人带回了家，让他清洗干净，给他肉吃，给他酒喝，还给他两个金币，主动提出要把自己编织波斯丝绸的技术教给他。当然了，所谓波斯丝绸其实是荷兰造的。
老实人面对如此的善举十分感动，他双膝着地哭着说：“我现在完全相信庞格罗斯先生所说的‘凡事存在都有其最完美的原因’这一真理了。您非凡的慷慨与那位穿黑斗篷的先生及太太的不人道相比更让我感动不已。”
Chapter 4 How Candide Found His Old Master Pangloss Again and What Happened to Him
The next day, as Candide was walking out, he met a beggar all covered with scabs, his eyes sunk in his head, the end of his nose eaten off, his mouth drawn on one side, his teeth as black as a cloak, snuffling and coughing most violently, and every time he attempted to spit out dropped a tooth.
Candide, divided between compassion and horror, but giving way to the former, bestowed on this shocking figure the two florins which the honest Anabaptist Jacques, had just before given to him. The specter looked at him very earnestly, shed tears and threw his arms about his neck. Candide started back aghast.
“Alas!” said the one wretch to the other, ‘don’t you know Pangloss?”
“What do I hear? Is it you, my dear master! You I behold in this piteous plight? What dreadful misfortune has befallen you? What has made you leave the most magnificent and Nature’s masterpiece?”
“I am dying” said Pangloss, upon which Candide instantly led him to the Anabaptist’s stable, and procured him something to eat. As soon as Pangloss tasted a morsel, Condide began to pepeat his inquiries concerning Cunégonde.
“Dead,” replied the other.
“Dead!” cried Candide, and immediately fainted; his friend restored him by the help of a little bad vinegar, which he found by chance in the stable.
Chapter 1 How Candide was Brought Up in Magnificent Castle and How He was Driven Out of It
In the country of Westphalia, in the castle of the most noble Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, lived a youth whom Nature had endowed with the most sweet disposition. His face was the true index of his mind. He had a solid judgment joined to the most unaffected simplicity; and hence, I presume, he had his name of Candide. The old servants of the house suspected him to have been the son of the Baron’s sister, by a very good sort of a gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young lady refused to marry, because he could produce no more than seventy-one quarterings in his arms; the rest of the genealogical tree belonging to the family having been lost through the injuries of time.
The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia, for his castle had not only a gate, but even windows, and his great hall was hung with tapestry. He used to hunt with his mastiffs and spaniels instead of greyhounds; his groom served him for huntsman; and the parson of the parish officiated as his grand almoner. He was called “My Lord” by all his people, who laughed at all his jokes.
My lady Baroness, who weighed three hundred and fifty pounds, consequently was a person of no small consideration; and then she did the honors of the house with a dignity that commands universal respect. Her daughter was about seventeen years of age, fresh-colored, comely, plump, and desirable. The Baron’s son, her brother, seemed to be a youth in every respect worthy of the farther he sprung from. Pangloss, the tutor, was the oracle of the family, and little Candide listened to his instructions with all the simplicity natural to his age and disposition.
Master Pangloss taught metaphysico-theologico-cosmolooneyology. He could prove to admiration that there is no effect without a course; and, that in this best of all possible words, the Baron’s castle was the most magnificent of all castles, and My Lady the best of all possible baronesses.
“It is demonstrable,” said he, “that things cannot be otherwise than as they are; for as all things have been created for some end, they must necessarily be created for the best end. Observe, for instance, the nose is formed for spectacles, therefore we wear spectacles. The legs are visibly designed for trousers, accordingly we wear trousers. It is the nature of stones made to be hewn and made into castles, therefore My Lord has a magnificent castle, for the greatest baron in the province ought to be the best lodged. Pigs were intended to be eaten, therefore we eat pork all the year round; and they, who assert that everything is right, do not express themselves correctly; they should say that everything is best.”
Candide listened attentively and believed implicitly, for he thought Miss Cunégonde excessively handsome, though he never had the courage to tell her so. He concluded that next to the happiness of being Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, the next was that of being Miss Cunégonde, the next that of seeing her everyday, and the last that of hearing the doctrine of Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the whole province, and consequently of the whole world.
One day when Cunégonde went to take a walk in a little neighboring wood which was called a park, she saw, through the bushes, the sage Doctor Pangloss giving a lecture in experimental philosophy to her mother’s chambermaid, a pretty brunette, and very obedient. As Cunégonde had a great disposition for the sciences, she observed with the utmost attention the experiments which were repeated before her eyes; she perfectly well understood the doctor’s sufficient reason and the force of causes and effects. She retired greatly flurried, quite pensive and filled with the desire of knowledge, imagining that she might be a sufficient reason for young Candide, and he for her.
On her way back she happened to meet the young man; she blushed, he blushed also; she wished him a good morning in a faltering tone, he returned the salute, without knowing what he said. The next day, as they were rising from dinner, Cunégonde and Candide slipped behind the screen. The miss dropped her handkerchief, the young man picked it up. She innocently took hold of his hand, and he as innocently kissed her with a warmth, a sensibility, a grace-all very particular; their lips met; their eyes sparkled; their knees trembled; their hands strayed. The Baron chanced to come by; he beheld the cause and effect, and, without hesitation, saluted Candide with some notable kicks on his backside and drove him out of doors. The lovely Cunégonde fainted away, and, as soon as she came to herself, the Baroness boxed her ears. Thus a general consternation was spread over this most magnificent and most agreeable of all possible castles.
第一章 老实人在一座华丽的城堡里被抚养成人，后来被驱逐出去
在威斯特伐利亚镇，在桑得登特龙克男爵华丽城堡里住着一位年轻人。他生就一副好脾气，喜怒哀乐全写在脸上，眼光特别敏锐，为人又真挚厚道。或许正是因为这个原因，他的名字就叫老实人。城堡里的老佣人都怀疑老实人是男爵妹妹和邻居一位品行颇好的乡绅所生的儿子。但是男爵的妹妹却拒绝嫁给乡绅，因为乡绅的家谱上只有七十一颗纹章，其余的都已丢失在时间的长河里。
男爵是威斯特伐利亚镇最有权势的地主之一。他的城堡不仅有大门还有整齐的窗户，大厅里还悬挂着壁毯。他打猎时往往不带灰狗，而是带上大训犬和西班牙猎狗，他的马车夫也是猎手。教区里的牧师是他的大司祭。所有人都尊敬地称他“大人”。他们经常被他逗得开怀大笑。
男爵夫人体重三百五十磅，也是位举足轻重的人物，她以自己的高贵位城堡赢得了荣誉，受到大家尊敬。她的女儿大约十七岁，长得标致丰满，气色红润，人见人爱。男爵的儿子是个小伙子，跟他父亲好像是一个模子里刻出来似的。庞格罗斯是家庭教师，也是这个家里的神使，年轻的老实人带着他那年纪特有的单纯和性情聆听着他的教导。
庞格罗斯先生教授玄学、神学、宇宙学。他能令人信服地证明没有因就没有果，证明在所有可能存在的最完美世界中，桑得登特龙克男爵的城堡是所有城堡中最好的。他的夫人则是所有男爵夫人中最好的。
“我们可以证明，”庞格罗斯会说，事物都是以本来的面目存在着；因为既然任何事物之存在都有其目的，那么它们就必然会是为其最完美的目的而存在的。比如，我们可以观察一下，鼻子长成这样就是为了能戴眼睛，所以我们戴眼镜。大腿很显然是为裤子而设计的，所以我们穿裤子。石头的本性就是为了被劈开并用来建城堡，所以男爵大人拥有一座这么华丽的城堡——本辖区内最伟大的男爵理应居住在最好的城堡里。猪就是为了被人吃，所以我们一年到头都吃猪肉。那些声称凡事都对的人并没有准确表达自己，他们应该凡事都是最好的。”
老实人总是聚精会神地听着，并发自内心地相信这些道理。在他看来，古内宫小姐非常漂亮，虽然他一直没勇气去告诉她这一点。他的结论是，作为桑得登特龙克城堡的男爵是最幸福的；然后是作古内宫小姐；再就是聆听庞格罗斯先生的教导，因为庞格罗斯先生是本辖区内最伟大的哲学家，所以他也是全世界最伟大的哲学家。
一天，古内宫小姐到被称为公园的邻近的小树林里散步。透过灌木丛，她看到睿智的庞格罗斯博士正在给她母亲那位漂亮、顺从、黑肤色的女佣讲授实验哲学。由于古内宫小姐天生酷爱科学，所以她集中注意力观察着在她眼前不断重复的实验；她完全理解博士所说的充分推理和因果关系。她充满困惑地离去，一路沉思，内心充满了对知识的渴求，想象着自己是为年轻的老实人活着，而他则是为她而存在着。
在她回家的路上，她碰巧遇到了老实人，脸刷地变红了，他也一样。她结结巴巴地向老实人问早安，老实人也向她问候，却不知道自己说了些什么。第二天吃完晚餐后，两人溜到了屏风的后面。小姐的手绢掉到地上去了，老实人把它捡了起来。她纯真地握住了老实人的手，他也纯真地吻着她的手，那感觉特别温暖，理智，优雅——一切都那么特别。他们的嘴唇碰在一起，眼里闪着火光，双膝颤抖着，双手不知道往哪里放。正在这时，男爵大人碰巧从那扇屏风路过，他看到了这一因与果的相互作用，毫不犹豫地就往老实人的屁股上踢了几脚，并立刻把老实人赶出了城堡。看到这情景，可爱的古内宫小姐昏死了过去，她一醒来男爵夫人就给了她一巴掌。就这样，一种惊慌失措的气氛在这座最美丽也是最惬意的城堡中蔓延开来。
Chapter 2 What Befell Candide among the Bulgarians
Candide, thus driven out of this terrestrial paradise, rambled a long time without knowing where he went; sometimes he raised his eyes, all bedewed with tears, towards heaven, and sometimes he cast a melancholy look towards the magnificent castle, where dwelt the fairest of young baronesses. He laid himself down to sleep in a furrow, heartbroken, and supperless. The snow fell in great flakes, and, in the morning he awoke, he was almost frozen to death; however, he made shift to crawl to the next town, which was called Wald-berghoff-trarbkdikdorff, without a penny in his pocket, and half dead with hunger and fatigue. He took up his stand at the door of an inn. He had not been long there before two men dressed in blue fixed their eyes steadfastly upon him.
“Look,” said one of them to the other, “there’s a well-made young man of the right size.” Upon which they came up to Candide and with the greatest civility and politeness invited him to dine with them.
“Gentleman,” replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty, you do me much honor, but upon my word I have no money.”
“Money, sir!” said one of the blues to him, “young persons of your appearance and merit never pay anything; why, are not you five feet five inches high?”
“Yes, gentleman, that is indeed my size,” replied he, with a low bow.
“Come then, sir, sit down along with us; we will not only pay your reckoning, but will never suffer such a clever young fellow as you to want money. Men were born to assist one another.”
“You are perfectly right, gentleman,” said Candide, “this is precisely the doctrine of Master Pangloss; and I am convinced that everything is for the best.”
His generous companions next entreated him to accept of two crowns, which he readily complied with, at the same time offering them his note for the payment, which they refused, and sat down to table.”
“Have you not a great affection for—”
“Oh yes! I have a great affection for the lovely Cunégonde.”
“Maybe so,” replied one of the blues, “but that is not the question! We were going to ask you whether you have a great affection for the King of the Bulgarians.”
“For the King of the Bulgarians?” said Candide, “Oh, Lord! not at all, why I never saw him in my life.”
“Is it possible? Oh, he is a most charming king! Come, we must drink his death.”
“With all my heart, gentleman,” said Candide, and off he tossed his glass.
“Bravo!” cried the blues; “you are now the support, the defender, the hero of the Bulgarians; your fortune is made; you are in high road to glory.”
So saying, they handcuffed him, and carried him away to the regiment. There he was made to wheel about to the right, to the left, to draw his rammer, to return his rammer, to present, to fire, to march, and they gave him thirty blows with a cane; the next day he performed his exercise a little better, and they gave him but twenty; the day following he came off with ten, and was looked upon as a young fellow of surprising genius by all his comrades.
Candide was struck with amazement, and could not for the soul of him conceive how he came to be a hero. One fine spring, he took it into his head to take a walk, and he marched straight forward, conceiving it to be a privilege of the human species, as well as of the brute creation, to make use of their legs how and when they pleased. He had not gone above two leagues when he was overtaken by four other heroes, six feet high, who bound him neck and heels, and carried him to a dungeon. A court-martial sat upon him, and he was asked which he liked better, to run the gauntlet six and thirty times through the whole regiment, or to have his brains blown out with a dozen musket-balls? In vain did he remonstrate to them that the human will is free, and that he chose neither; they obliged him to make a choice, and he determined , in virtue of that divine gift will, to run the gauntlet six and thirty times.
He had gone through this discipline twice, and the regiment being composed of 2,000 men, they composed for him exactly 4,000 strokes, which laid bare all his muscles and nerves from the nape of his neck to his stem. As they were preparing to make him set out the third time our young hero, unable to support it any longer, begged as a favor that they would be so obliging as to shoot him through the head; his request being granted, a bandage was tied over his eyes, and he was made to kneel down.
At that very instant, His Bulgarian Majesty happening to pass by made a stop, and inquired into the delinquent’s crime, and being a prince of great penetration, he found, from what he heard of Candide, that he was a young metaphysician, entirely ignorant of the physical world; and therefore, out of his great clemency, he condescended to pardon him, for which his name will be celebrated in every newspaper in every age. A skillful surgeon made a cure of the flagellated Candide in three weeks by means of emollient unguents prescribed by Dioscorides. His sores were now scabbed over and he was able to march, when the King of the Bulgarians gave battle to the King of the Abares.
章节二 老实人在保加利亚的遭遇
老实人被赶出人间天堂之后， 四处游荡了很长一段时间，不知道何去何从。有时，他含着泪水仰望天空；有时，他忧郁地望着那座华丽的城堡，那里住着最漂亮的年轻男爵夫人。他伤心欲绝，没吃晚餐就睡在了一条路沟里。鹅毛般的雪花纷纷落下，等他第二天早晨醒来时，肢体几乎没有了知觉。但是，他还是挣扎着爬到了另一个镇。身无分文的他又饥又渴，疲倦不堪。他在一家小酒店的门口挣扎着站起来。没过多久，两个身穿蓝色衣服的人就死死地盯着他。
“瞧，”其中的一位对另一位说，“这小伙子体格健壮，身材也不错。”说完他们向老实人走去，并极有礼貌地邀请他一起共进早餐。
“先生，”老实人以特有的谦逊说道，“本人不胜荣幸，但身无分文。”
“钱，先生！”其中的一位对他说，“拥有您这般人品外貌的人是无需破费的。我想您有五英尺五英寸高吧？”
“是的，先生，这正是我的身高”，老实人说着，鞠了一个躬。
“那么，来吧，先生，坐下来与我们共进早餐吧。我们不但会为你支付餐费，也永远不会让一个像你这样聪明的年轻人缺钱花。人生来就是要互相帮助。”
“您说得对极了”，老实人说，“这正是庞格罗斯先生一直教导的。我现在相信‘凡事都是为了最美好的而存在’这个真理了。”
接着，他慷慨的同伴请求他收下两克朗。对此，老实人乐于照做，他想写欠条，但他们拒绝了，并坐下吃饭。
“您难道不喜欢——？”其中一位问道。
“哦，是，我非常喜欢可爱的古内宫小姐。”
“也许吧，”一位身穿蓝衣服的人回答道，“但我不是这意思！我们是想问你是否喜欢保加利亚国王？”
“保加利亚国王？哦，他是一个很有魅力的国王！来，让我们为他的健康干一杯。”
“好啊”，穿制服的两位叫道，“从现在起，您就是保加利亚人的支持者、卫士和英雄了。您走运了，您正踏上通往光荣的大道。”
说着，他们就给他戴上手铐，把他带到兵营。在那里，他们让他学习怎样向右转、向左转、扳枪栓、回枪栓、瞄准、射击、前进，并给了他三十大棍。第二天他训练有进步，只挨了二十棍。第三天，只挨了十棍，同伴们都把他视为年轻的天才。
老实人感到莫名其妙，怎么也弄不明白自己是如何当上英雄的。在一个春光明媚的早晨，他想出去走走，于是就一直昂首向前，因为他觉得随心所欲地使用自己的双脚是动物和人的特权。可是还没有走出二里的路，他就被另外四位六尺高的英雄扳倒在地上，绑了手脚送到地牢里去。在军事法庭上，法官问老实人，是愿意接受全军人马夹道鞭打他三十六回，还是愿意让自己的脑袋吃上十二颗子弹。老实人向他们提出抗议，他说人的意志是自由的，所以他选择两样都不要。但是毫无用处。他们逼他做出抉择，于是他决定行使所谓自由意志的神圣权利，选择接受夹道鞭打三十六回。
老实人挨了两圈打，算起来全军上下共两千将士，也就是说他已被鞭打了四千下。这四千下让他从头到脚的肌肉和神经都皮开肉绽。当全军人马准备第三回合鞭打的时候，外貌年轻的英雄再也撑不住了，他请求法官开恩，给他一枪好了。他的要求得到了许可，他们用绷带蒙住他的双眼，让他跪下，准备行刑。
正在这个时候，保加利亚王子刚好路过，他向法官询问了这个犯人的罪行。王子拥有敏锐的洞察力，从老实人的叙述中发现他不过是个没见过世面的玄学家，于是出于仁慈赦免了老实人。王子的这一宽厚行为一定会获得世世代代所有报纸的赞扬。之后，一位技术高明的医生用古代狄奥斯哥里得斯开出的药膏，仅三个星期就治好了老实人的伤。现在，他的伤口已经结痂，能够参加保加利亚国王发动的对阿巴利亚的战争了。
Chapter 3 How Candide Escaped from the Bulgarians and What Befell Him Afterward
Never was anything so gallant, so well accounted, so brilliant, and so finely disposed as the two armies. The trumpets, fifes, oboes, drums, and cannon made such harmony as never was heard in Hell itself. The entertainment began by a discharge of cannon, which, in the twinkling of an eye, laid flat about 6,000 men on each side. The musket bullets swept away, out of the best of all possible worlds, nine or ten thousand scoundrels that were cluttering its surface. The bayonet was next the sufficient reason of the deaths of several thousands. The sum of casualties might amount to thirty thousand souls. Candide trembled like a philosopher, and concealed himself as well as he could during this heroic butchery.
At length, while the two kings were causing Te Deums to be sung in their camps, Candide took a resolution to go and reason somewhere else upon causes and effects. After passing over heaps of dead or dying man, the first place he came to was a neighboring village, in the Abarian territories, which had been burned to the ground by the Bulgarians, agreeably to the laws of war. Here lay a number of old men covered with wounds, who beheld their wives dying with their throats cut and hugging their children to their breasts, all stained with blood. There several virgins, whose bodies had been ripped open after they had satisfied the natural necessities of the Bulgarian heroes, breathed their last; while others, half-burned in the flames, begged to be dispatched out of the world. The ground about them was covered with the brains, arms, and legs of the dead.
Candide made all the haste he could to another village, which belonged to the Bulgarians, and there he found the heroic Abares had enacted the same tragedy. Through continuing to walk over twitching limbs or through ruined buildings, at length he got beyond the theater of war, with a little food in his backpack and Cunégonde’s image in his heart. When he arrived in Holland his food ran out, but having heard that the inhabitants of that country were all rich and Christians, he was sure he would be treated by them as he had been at the Baron’s castle before he had been driven thence through the power of Cunégonde’s bright eyes.
He asked charity of several grave-looking people, who one and all answered him that if he continued to follow his trade they would have sent him to the house of correction, where he should be taught to get his bread. He next addressed himself to a person who had just come from haranguing a numerous assembly for a whole hour on the subject of charity. The orator, squinting at him under his broad-brimmed hat, asked him sternly, what brought him here and whether he was for the good old cause.
“Sir,” said Candide, in a submissive manner, “I conceive there can be no effect without a cause; everything is necessarily concatenated and arranged for the best. It was necessary that I should be banished from the presence of Cunégonde; that I should afterwards run the gauntlet; and it is necessary I should beg my bread, till I am able to get it. All this could not have been otherwise.”
“Tell me, friend,” said the orator, “do you hold the Pope to be Antichrist?”
“Truly, I never thought about it,” said Candide, “but whether he is or not, I am in want of something to eat.”
“You deserve neither food nor drink,” replied the orator, “pervert, monster! Hence! Avoid my sight, never come near me again while you live.”
The orator’s wife happened to put her had out of the window at that instant, and seeing a man who doubted whether the Pope was a Antichrist, she discharged upon his head a full passport of golden liquid. Good heavens, to what excess does religious zeal transport womankind!
A man who had never been christened, an honest Anabaptist named Jacques, was witness to the cruel and ignominious treatment showed to one of his brethren, to a rational featherless biped. Moved with pity he carried him to his house, caused him to be cleaned, gave him meat and drink, and made him a present of two florins, at the same time proposing to instruct him in his own trade of weaving Persian silks, which are fabricated in Holland.
Candide, faced with so much goodness, threw himself at his feet, crying, “Now I am convinced that my Master Pangloss told me truth when he said that everything was for the best in this world; for I am infinitely more affected with your extraordinary generosity than with the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black cloak and his wife.”
第三章 老实人逃离保加利亚及随后的遭遇
世界上再也找不出那支军队像这两支一样英勇无比，装备精良，部署有力。双方的喇叭、横笛、双簧管、军鼓和加农大炮合奏出的和谐之音，就是在地狱里也从来没听过。娱乐表演一开始，先是加农大炮一眨眼工夫就把双方的士兵各约六千人轰得四脚朝天。接着是滑膛枪开始出色地扫射，很快就有九千到一万的士兵横七竖八地倒在地面上了。接下来刺刀有充足的理由致数千人死亡。伤亡总数大约达三万。老实人像一位哲学家似的颤抖着，在这个英勇的屠宰场内尽可能把自己藏了起来。
最后，当两国军队高唱战歌时，老实人决定要到另一个地方去推理他的因果关系。越过一堆堆的尸体和奄奄一息的人们后，老实人到的的一个地方是阿巴利亚境内邻近的一个村子。这里已被保加利亚人烧成灰烬，确实符合战争的原则。这儿躺着许多受伤的老人，他们眼睁睁得看着他们的妻子被割破喉咙死去，怀里还紧紧抱着小孩子，浑身是血。一些少女们在满足了保加利亚人的自然需求后，被剖开身体，咽下了最后一口气。其他的人，则被烧得半死不活，哀求别人帮助迅速了结自己。地上到处都是脑浆和断臂残肢。
老实人飞奔着逃向保加利亚人管辖的另一个村子。和保加利亚英雄们表演的一样，阿巴利亚的英雄们在这里也表演了一出同样的悲剧。继续踩着还在抽搐的脚和毁坏的建筑物，老实人背包里装着一点干粮，带着对古内宫小姐的思念离开了这个战争的剧场。当他到达荷兰时，他的干粮吃完了。不过他听说这个国家的居民人人富有，人人是基督徒，所以他深信，在这里他会得到和在城堡里一样的待遇，当然指的是在他因为古内宫小姐火热的眼神而被驱逐出城堡之前的。
老实人向几位看上去神情严肃的人请求施舍，但得到的回答是：他如果继续这么做，就会被送到改造所。在那里，他将学到如何挣面包。接着他向刚刚就慈善的主题在一群人面前进行了一个小时高谈阔论的一位演说家求助。这位演说家的眼睛在宽边的帽子底下斜视着他，板着面孔问是什么原因让他来到这里，他是否为那纯正而古老的事业而来的。
“先生！”老实人谦恭地说，“我认为蔓没有因就没有果，任何事物都是因为最美好的原因而联系在一起的。我被驱赶出城堡离开古内宫小姐，挨夹道鞭打，向人乞讨面包，所有这一切都是必然的。”
“告诉我，朋友！”演说家说，“你认为教皇是反基督的吗？”
“老实说，我从来没想过这一点。”老实人说，“但不管教皇是不是反基督，我现在缺东西吃。”
“你不配吃喝，”演说家回答道，“堕落之徒！恶魔！滚开，从此以后，你这一辈子永远也不要靠近我。”
这时，演说家的妻子刚好从窗户里探出头，听到有人在怀疑教皇是否是反基督徒，于是她就把一盆金黄色的液体倒在了老实人的头上。天啊，女人对宗教的狂热竟然到了这份上了！
一位从未受过洗礼的诚实的再洗礼派教徒雅克目睹了自己的同胞，没长羽毛但有理性的两脚动物竟然受到如此残忍可耻的对待，出于同情，把老实人带回了家，让他清洗干净，给他肉吃，给他酒喝，还给他两个金币，主动提出要把自己编织波斯丝绸的技术教给他。当然了，所谓波斯丝绸其实是荷兰造的。
老实人面对如此的善举十分感动，他双膝着地哭着说：“我现在完全相信庞格罗斯先生所说的‘凡事存在都有其最完美的原因’这一真理了。您非凡的慷慨与那位穿黑斗篷的先生及太太的不人道相比更让我感动不已。”
Chapter 4 How Candide Found His Old Master Pangloss Again and What Happened to Him
The next day, as Candide was walking out, he met a beggar all covered with scabs, his eyes sunk in his head, the end of his nose eaten off, his mouth drawn on one side, his teeth as black as a cloak, snuffling and coughing most violently, and every time he attempted to spit out dropped a tooth.
Candide, divided between compassion and horror, but giving way to the former, bestowed on this shocking figure the two florins which the honest Anabaptist Jacques, had just before given to him. The specter looked at him very earnestly, shed tears and threw his arms about his neck. Candide started back aghast.
“Alas!” said the one wretch to the other, ‘don’t you know Pangloss?”
“What do I hear? Is it you, my dear master! You I behold in this piteous plight? What dreadful misfortune has befallen you? What has made you leave the most magnificent and Nature’s masterpiece?”
“I am dying” said Pangloss, upon which Candide instantly led him to the Anabaptist’s stable, and procured him something to eat. As soon as Pangloss tasted a morsel, Condide began to pepeat his inquiries concerning Cunégonde.
“Dead,” replied the other.
“Dead!” cried Candide, and immediately fainted; his friend restored him by the help of a little bad vinegar, which he found by chance in the stable.